chasing after you May 11, 2012

i’ve been trying to figure out how to capture the trepidation yet excitement that i feel about this new, post-grad, omg i’m about to be a lawyer life i’m embarking on. i’m still working on that… and what it all means.

but i’ve also been trying to figure out how to explain the change i’ve been feeling inside. the sense that there’s something more i should be living for, looking for, striving for. graduating isn’t enough – as awesome as it is. getting a job won’t be enough - as satisfying to both belly and feet (hello, food and footwear!!) as it will be. even getting married (please, Jesus!), having children, all won’t be enough. the quote i found below, from my friend’s awesome new blog (seriously, check it out), captures that feeling. it’s time for God-sized dreams, goals, passions. let’s get to chasing.

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don’t let what’s wrong with you keep you from worshiping what’s right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don’t try to be who you’re not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Don’t let fear dictate your decisions. Take a flying leap of faith. Chase the lion!

- Mark Batterson, Lion Chasers

*title taken from Tye Tribbet, Stand Out! album. Chasing After You (The Morning Song), which may be the new theme song for this part of my life: I won’t be satisfied nor content of where I am; so I will apprehend til I’m captured by what I’m after.  

surreal: law school is finished May 3, 2012

i thought i would write this post in victory, Monday at 4:45 pm. or Tuesday morning while proctoring. surely, by Wednesday afternoon. It’s now Thursday, and I’m finding it no easier.

i’ve finished law school. no, i haven’t graduated, so perhaps the celebratory jumping and up and down post isn’t completely warranted.

but i’ve finished law school. i turned in my last paper last Wednesday. i hit upload on my last final monday, at 4:02pm.

i remember my first of law school, and now i’m finished. i just… i have no words.

i thought i’d be ecstatic – and i am.

i thought i’d be sad – and i am.

i thought i’d be overwhelmed and underwhelmed – and i am.

i’m not scared. though i am nervous. so much has been working towards this, and the joyful expectation of 15 days from now, May 18, when i walk across the stage and get my degree.

but where from here? what from here?

i’ve finished law school. yay me?

post law: community May 3, 2012

i found out today that a (good) friend from t.o.* got engaged.

why (good)? not for the reasons you may think. we had no falling out, we still talk, and in fact, prior to today, i probably would have said she was definitely one of my closest friends – certainly someone that i think i always figured would be a bridesmaid in the back of my head.

but i didn’t even know she was dating someone.

it’s not her fault. it’s not mine. it just is what it is. i’ve been gone for three years. i don’t even know if t.o. is my home. i don’t know if the people i thought were the closest to me ever are that anymore.

did i allow the friendship to disintegrate to the point that i didn’t know she was dating until she was engaged? yes. did she? also yes. are either of us at fault? no.

but it raises another fear i have: do i have community left in t.o? i mean, current community, not just the nostalgia of pictures posted on facebook of years ago. do i have a place there? do they have a place in me?

is the Chocolate who enjoys indulging in a glass (or several) of wine (or rum/cokes), a random movie, and a night of dancing going to fit the same way?

i didn’t even know she was dating someone.

He provides April 18, 2012

““Don’t ever worry and say, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ Everyone is concerned about these things, and your heavenly Father certainly knows you need all of them. But first, be concerned about his kingdom and what has his approval. Then all these things will be provided for you. “So don’t ever worry about tomorrow. After all, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matt. 6:31-34)

“Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7)

“But my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory.” (Phil. 4:19)

i’m coming off a week of great stress. worry. anxiety. my first panic attack. a week of wondering about the future. literally worrying about what i would eat. drink. not so much wear, because i’ve got some pretty great clothes.  where i would live. if i would get a job. if i was a failure. on. and on. and on.

and other worries, completely unrelated began piling in. would i ever get married. what if i can’t have kids. what if something happens to my friends. people i love. how is my sister. my mom. it’s like the worry gate cracked open, and all the anxieties flooded in.

because i have been blessed with a fabulous community, those worries didn’t remain long. at least, not outwardly. i was given affirming verses. reminded of God’s faithfulness in the past. encouraged that i can accomplish things, and it may just take time. i even received a prophecy about why there’s been a delay.

but it wasn’t really until today that i stopped worrying. the little ball in the pit of my stomach that makes the smile when someone asks me about graduation in 30 days (!!) be a bit more forced – that ball unfurled today.

i got a scholarship. an award. a substantial award.

it’s not just the money, because really, money comes and goes. it’s not the compliment that the award brings, the recognition of my achievements and character and aspirations and heart.

it’s what it represents. it’s God’s rainbow to me. His sign – again – that He will supply my needs. that He hears. He knows. He knows that i can’t afford the bar. He knows that i’m paying back my loans right now. He knows that it wasn’t just the “what am i going to do in august” that scared me, but “how am i putting gas in my car to drive back home.” He knows. and with one email, in one interview, He bestowed favor on me, and did not withhold the good thing i needed.

He’s provided my eat. my drink. what i’ll wear. i’ll hold on to this moment when the “i don’t have a job” feeling rises. i’ll cling to this when the “i’m not married” moment comes. He knows. and in His perfect timing, at His pace, just when i’ll appreciate it most and turn the glory to Him, He provides.

join me in praise to the utmost and highest God. gather with me at my ebenezer, rejoice with me as I look across the parted red sea. my God is the God who provides. He always has, and rest assured – from me to you – He always will.

Lord, i give you my heart April 17, 2012

i woke up this morning singing that chorus: Lord, i give You my heart. i give You my soul. i live for You alone.

do I? do I really?

i’ve been challenged recently (very recently) on what i do with my heart. following my panic attack, i was reminded about the many ways that God has provided for me. that the challenge of a job/home/provision is no challenge for Him. all i had to do was look back on the past three years. law school? all Him. all of it.**

but heart matters? a different story. i’m not used to success in matters of the heart. granted, i’ve never really tried, but y’all are splitting hairs here. moving on…

when i was 12, i gave God my heart. it was very melodramatic, totally what you’d expect from a preteen uber-Christian girl. complete with the tears and written vow to allow God to choose who I date, when I date. apparently, God took me seriously. let me just say, there have been moments where i questioned my pre-teen sanity.

but this morning, in the face of being asked to something that feels truly heart-crazy to me, i was reminded that i gave God my heart. i was reminded that the women in the Bible that i emulate? they had to do crazy stuff. CRAZY. God’s been pointing me to rebecca, and let me say, i have new respect for her. this chick had to leave everything she knew to go with a stranger to marry another stranger. all because she drew some water. can you imagine?

i can’t. couldn’t.

but if i truly give God my heart, my love, i may have to.

**thank you, all of you, who encouraged me in this. i am truly humbled and blessed by the community God has provided. seriously.