Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

and here. we. go. July 22, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 9:49 pm

the bar is in two days. but, like, technically it’s Monday since it’s after midnight, so the bar is tomorrow.

tomorrow.

all day people have asked me if i’m ready. my response: maybe. maybe not. at this point, i know what i know.

i’ll do some review before driving to the hotel and “settling in” (ha!) and “getting lots of rest” (double ha!!), but yeah…

just pray for me.

i think last week’s breakdown was THE breakdown. the hours of tears and stress and pain. i think that tore whatever was inside me that was pretending this wasn’t a big deal. and now i’ve rebounded. and i’m going full throttle on faith, studying, the first wives club and remember the titans (my movie motivations):

hey, bar, guess what? i’m YOUNG, and i love to be young, i’m FREE, and i love to be free… YOU DON’T OWN ME!

because i’m a winner. it’s what i do.

Advertisements
 

…and on a lighter note July 20, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 8:25 pm

i need a really good date after i’m finished with the bar. i’m thinking, asked within the week after the bar, date within 2 weeks after.

who loves me so much that they’re going to make this happen for me? y’all know by now what it takes for a good date for me…

thanks for loving me so much that you’ll find me this one little request. muah.

(and you know, take this seriously or chalk it up to bar brain. your choice.)

 

rebound. {for tonight} July 17, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 7:54 pm

my little meltdown earlier cost me 6 hours, a headache, and lack of focus now. yet, struggle through the night i shall. struggle, work, and struggle some more. because, as my mother reminded me on sunday, the Lord will bring back to my remembrance what i have studied. so yes. i’m mindlessly reading and highlighting and writing and practice essay-ing, and MBE-ing. praying, pleading, that something (ANYTHING) sticks in my mind when i need it how i need it. or that i at least learn how to bs enough to get those 665 points.

john 14:26: But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.

 

what’s going through my head at any given moment

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 2:58 pm

why is the website down don’t they know the bar is in exactly one week and i’m in the middle of a simulated exam and OHMYGOD what if this is a portend of how next week is going to go and i fail what am i going to do if i fail i’ll never get a job i can’t afford to not get a job i can’t live off my mother and people have expectations dear Jesus people have expectations that i’ll never meet because i’m going to fail the bar and i shouldn’t have quit my job i should have stayed with the kids but i know they’re better of because i can’t even pass the bar because the fucking website is always down crap i just swore shit wait i did it again no wonder i’m going to fail the bar and no one is going to marry me and i’m going to end up living with my mother and her new husband for ever and hate myself at least until my sister grows up because then i’ll be auntie cha and live with her and be the spinster sister taking care of her kids all because i failed the fucking bar because the stupid fucking website was down again and i’m not going to get to the magic 75% that will allow me to get another bar course free but who cares because i can’t afford to take this again dear Jesus help me please but i keep swearing and what’s inside the heart comes out in the mouth so clearly i’m not walking that close to you because i’m listening to worship music to calm myself down and it’s not working and keep crying uncontrollably i can’t stop crying God why can’t i stop crying Jesus help me to stop crying and to just make it to next wednesday without a breakdown and give me peace or something i don’t know and if one more person tells me i’m smart and it will be fine and to just breathe God i swear to You i’m going to hurt them because they don’t understand and they don’t know and i’m all alone except for You but i want someone with arms to buy me cake and sit beside me and feed me the cake and rub my back except that i’m cramping but whatever rub my back and feed me cake and tell me it’s okay if i fail the bar because they still love me and i’ll get a job at shopper’s drug mart and they won’t judge me even if everyone else does and validate my feeling like i might fail and then make the website work so i can take more practice exams that tell me that i’m going to fail and seriously just stop cha just stop talking to yourself this is why you’re crazy and can’t remember anything for the bar God why does it always come back tot he bar why did you tell me to do this i can’t do this and WHY ISN’T THE FUCKING WEBSITE WORKING and all i want to do is sleep but if i sleep i’m not studying and if i’m not studying i’m giving up and i can’t give up because if i give up then i gave up and that made no sense cha but whatever nothing makes sense anymore I JUST WANT TO PASS THE BAR and eat cake Jesus please be a piece of cake right now please and let me get a job and let someone marry me who doesn’t care that i probably won’t pass the bar and i just wasted 3 years of my life but whatever because i’m in the school magazine and i have trophies and plaques and i’m smart or at least smart until november and i just want to go to sleep and eat cake and feel like i did my best and that’s good enough but that hasn’t been good enough since grade 2 and really in grade 2 it wasn’t they just want little kids to feel good about themselves and i should stop now and breathe.

in.

out.

in.

out.

 

warrior worship, bar style July 13, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 6:50 am

every moment in life needs a song, right? songs that through their very reliance on God and declaration of His steadfastness do war in the heavenlies.

here are the two carrying me through the bar:

While You Worship, Martha Munizzi

you can make it through the storm,

you can make it through the pain,

you can make it through the sorrow,

you can make it through the rain.

while you worship, He’ll bring you through it all.

Never Once, Matt Redman

scars and struggles on the way,

but with joy our hearts can say:

never once did [i] ever walk alone

never once You leave [me] on [my] own.

You are faithful.