Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

He provides April 18, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 4:43 pm

““Don’t ever worry and say, ‘What are we going to eat?’ or ‘What are we going to drink?’ or ‘What are we going to wear?’ Everyone is concerned about these things, and your heavenly Father certainly knows you need all of them. But first, be concerned about his kingdom and what has his approval. Then all these things will be provided for you. “So don’t ever worry about tomorrow. After all, tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matt. 6:31-34)

“Never worry about anything. But in every situation let God know what you need in prayers and requests while giving thanks. Then God’s peace, which goes beyond anything we can imagine, will guard your thoughts and emotions through Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:6-7)

“But my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory.” (Phil. 4:19)

i’m coming off a week of great stress. worry. anxiety. my first panic attack. a week of wondering about the future. literally worrying about what i would eat. drink. not so much wear, because i’ve got some pretty great clothes.  where i would live. if i would get a job. if i was a failure. on. and on. and on.

and other worries, completely unrelated began piling in. would i ever get married. what if i can’t have kids. what if something happens to my friends. people i love. how is my sister. my mom. it’s like the worry gate cracked open, and all the anxieties flooded in.

because i have been blessed with a fabulous community, those worries didn’t remain long. at least, not outwardly. i was given affirming verses. reminded of God’s faithfulness in the past. encouraged that i can accomplish things, and it may just take time. i even received a prophecy about why there’s been a delay.

but it wasn’t really until today that i stopped worrying. the little ball in the pit of my stomach that makes the smile when someone asks me about graduation in 30 days (!!) be a bit more forced – that ball unfurled today.

i got a scholarship. an award. a substantial award.

it’s not just the money, because really, money comes and goes. it’s not the compliment that the award brings, the recognition of my achievements and character and aspirations and heart.

it’s what it represents. it’s God’s rainbow to me. His sign – again – that He will supply my needs. that He hears. He knows. He knows that i can’t afford the bar. He knows that i’m paying back my loans right now. He knows that it wasn’t just the “what am i going to do in august” that scared me, but “how am i putting gas in my car to drive back home.” He knows. and with one email, in one interview, He bestowed favor on me, and did not withhold the good thing i needed.

He’s provided my eat. my drink. what i’ll wear. i’ll hold on to this moment when the “i don’t have a job” feeling rises. i’ll cling to this when the “i’m not married” moment comes. He knows. and in His perfect timing, at His pace, just when i’ll appreciate it most and turn the glory to Him, He provides.

join me in praise to the utmost and highest God. gather with me at my ebenezer, rejoice with me as I look across the parted red sea. my God is the God who provides. He always has, and rest assured – from me to you – He always will.

 

Lord, i give you my heart April 17, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 10:35 am

i woke up this morning singing that chorus: Lord, i give You my heart. i give You my soul. i live for You alone.

do I? do I really?

i’ve been challenged recently (very recently) on what i do with my heart. following my panic attack, i was reminded about the many ways that God has provided for me. that the challenge of a job/home/provision is no challenge for Him. all i had to do was look back on the past three years. law school? all Him. all of it.**

but heart matters? a different story. i’m not used to success in matters of the heart. granted, i’ve never really tried, but y’all are splitting hairs here. moving on…

when i was 12, i gave God my heart. it was very melodramatic, totally what you’d expect from a preteen uber-Christian girl. complete with the tears and written vow to allow God to choose who I date, when I date. apparently, God took me seriously. let me just say, there have been moments where i questioned my pre-teen sanity.

but this morning, in the face of being asked to something that feels truly heart-crazy to me, i was reminded that i gave God my heart. i was reminded that the women in the Bible that i emulate? they had to do crazy stuff. CRAZY. God’s been pointing me to rebecca, and let me say, i have new respect for her. this chick had to leave everything she knew to go with a stranger to marry another stranger. all because she drew some water. can you imagine?

i can’t. couldn’t.

but if i truly give God my heart, my love, i may have to.

**thank you, all of you, who encouraged me in this. i am truly humbled and blessed by the community God has provided. seriously.

 

 

panic attack April 12, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 1:31 pm

i experienced my first anxiety/panic attack last night. followed it up this morning. i’m not a crier – i’ve been bursting into tears, repeatedly.

i have no job. i’m moving back home – to toronto – at least to study for the bar. i’m moving back in with my mother. i’m 28. i’m graduating from law school, moving back home, and in with my mother.

panic attack.

i think it’s because, in the past 3 days i’ve made a lot of decisions. i decided not to stay in CA. i decided (i think) which bar i’m going to take. i bought a bar review course. i decided to file immigration paperwork.

all decisions i’ve been avoiding for the past 7 months. all decisions i needed to make…and may have waited too long to make.

and now i’m questioning myself. not only about these decisions, but all my decisions. did i make the right choice in going to law school? did i make the right choice in going to this law school? did i make the right choices with my summer jobs? did i make the right choice when i set my career path? have i closed myself off from too much?

panic attack.

what if everything i’ve decided has been wrong? and i can’t fix it.

regardless, i’m driving back home (is it home? i don’t know…) on may 21. i graduate from law school may 18. i will be living with my mother while studying for the bar.

small decisions. big impact. cue panic attack.