Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

“welcome back! you’re home (?)” May 28, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 8:48 am

i know. by now, you’re sick of me questioning where ‘home’ is. dude, so am i. SICK. OF IT.

yet, i continue asking myself that very question. what’s home? where is home?

i never thought i’d miss the ‘Bu. i mean, i didn’t hate my time there. i came to love the people i met. but miss Malibu? or L.A? i really didn’t like either city. all the driving, the lack of…diversity. the need to be ‘dressed’ to go anywhere. i couldn’t wait to get back to the East Coast, the familiar.

which isn’t quite so familiar anymore. i know the street names, but don’t quite recognize intersections. i drove up to my grandfather’s house, but my key didn’t work. i got to my mom’s, and no room looked quite right. i went to church, and felt like a visitor. i sent a text to a friend to say i was heading home, but then deleted the word, and said back. because it doesn’t feel like home.

no. Malibu didn’t feel like home either. if i were to say i was heading home now, it wouldn’t be Malibu. but it no longer feels like Toronto.

is this merely a need to settle, to unpack (yeah, haven’t finished that either – hey, i had to buy hangers!), to refamiliarize myself? or is it a reflection of a greater issue: i don’t know where home is.

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chasing after you May 11, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 11:20 am

i’ve been trying to figure out how to capture the trepidation yet excitement that i feel about this new, post-grad, omg i’m about to be a lawyer life i’m embarking on. i’m still working on that… and what it all means.

but i’ve also been trying to figure out how to explain the change i’ve been feeling inside. the sense that there’s something more i should be living for, looking for, striving for. graduating isn’t enough – as awesome as it is. getting a job won’t be enough – as satisfying to both belly and feet (hello, food and footwear!!) as it will be. even getting married (please, Jesus!), having children, all won’t be enough. the quote i found below, from my friend’s awesome new blog (seriously, check it out), captures that feeling. it’s time for God-sized dreams, goals, passions. let’s get to chasing.

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don’t let what’s wrong with you keep you from worshiping what’s right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don’t try to be who you’re not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Don’t let fear dictate your decisions. Take a flying leap of faith. Chase the lion!

– Mark Batterson, Lion Chasers

*title taken from Tye Tribbet, Stand Out! album. Chasing After You (The Morning Song), which may be the new theme song for this part of my life: I won’t be satisfied nor content of where I am; so I will apprehend til I’m captured by what I’m after.  

 

surreal: law school is finished May 3, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 2:37 pm

i thought i would write this post in victory, Monday at 4:45 pm. or Tuesday morning while proctoring. surely, by Wednesday afternoon. It’s now Thursday, and I’m finding it no easier.

i’ve finished law school. no, i haven’t graduated, so perhaps the celebratory jumping and up and down post isn’t completely warranted.

but i’ve finished law school. i turned in my last paper last Wednesday. i hit upload on my last final monday, at 4:02pm.

i remember my first of law school, and now i’m finished. i just… i have no words.

i thought i’d be ecstatic – and i am.

i thought i’d be sad – and i am.

i thought i’d be overwhelmed and underwhelmed – and i am.

i’m not scared. though i am nervous. so much has been working towards this, and the joyful expectation of 15 days from now, May 18, when i walk across the stage and get my degree.

but where from here? what from here?

i’ve finished law school. yay me?

 

post law: community

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 2:22 pm

i found out today that a (good) friend from t.o.* got engaged.

why (good)? not for the reasons you may think. we had no falling out, we still talk, and in fact, prior to today, i probably would have said she was definitely one of my closest friends – certainly someone that i think i always figured would be a bridesmaid in the back of my head.

but i didn’t even know she was dating someone.

it’s not her fault. it’s not mine. it just is what it is. i’ve been gone for three years. i don’t even know if t.o. is my home. i don’t know if the people i thought were the closest to me ever are that anymore.

did i allow the friendship to disintegrate to the point that i didn’t know she was dating until she was engaged? yes. did she? also yes. are either of us at fault? no.

but it raises another fear i have: do i have community left in t.o? i mean, current community, not just the nostalgia of pictures posted on facebook of years ago. do i have a place there? do they have a place in me?

is the Chocolate who enjoys indulging in a glass (or several) of wine (or rum/cokes), a random movie, and a night of dancing going to fit the same way?

i didn’t even know she was dating someone.