Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

2011: restored and renewed passion December 31, 2010

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 10:19 pm

God is so amazing. Jesus loves me so much.

6 hours ago I was so, so sad. I was sitting here, planning to rock myself to 2011 with tears and ice cream. Well, I welcomed 2011 (east coast time) in tears – tears of thankfulness and worship.

I watched my home church service (shout out to BCF!) and, well, truthfully I didn’t just watch it. From the first song, I was there. I was singing, praising, tweeting like I was home. I loved it.

And God spoke to me. Seriously, Jesus saw my heart, and every song, every word in that sermon pulled me up from the despair I was feeling (and no, I’m not being melodramatic this time). I saw myself, and knew: if that sermon, that service wasn’t for anyone else, it was for me. I was reminded: He holds my moments, He draws me close, He is great, and it is all about Him. There is no God to compare to Him, nobody like Him. He.Is.God. And this year He is calling me to be wilder,  jump higher, sing louder, praise greater, live fuller, be freeer. He is calling me to be the me He sees.

And so, I don’t wish you a happy new year, Chocolatiers. I pray a year filled with the anointing and peace of God. A year where you return to the Lover of your soul, where you discover your first love – the love you were created for.  Where you fall deeper in love with Him, and through the ups and the downs that will come, that you cling closer to Him. I pray for a year where you experience a little more of your destiny, where you see His anointing in ways you weren’t expecting.  Where even in the times of pain, the times of sorrow, you see His hand.  Where you remember Him, meet Him, know Him, so that He is truly seen in and through you. A year where He is King, Lord. A year that is all about Him. And yes, this is a dangerous prayer, but can anything be more thrilling? Is there any adventure greater than the pursuit of the One who has never stopped pursuing you?

More than a happy new year, may 2011 be a thrilling, adventurous, and unforgettable year. May this be the year of our passions.

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truly home

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 3:30 pm

my first holiday season away from home. no christmas, no new year, and (most likely) no birthday.

sigh.

i didn’t think it would affect me this much. when i decided not to go home, for a multitude of reasons that were mainly financial, i was cool. i was at peace. in the weeks leading up to it, everyone but me seemed to be sad. i had friends and family offer to fly me home. so much sympathy was expressed, and i was just hanging out – like, it’s fine, no big deal, i don’t care, it’s just a day.

yeah. right.

i got lonely. i mean, in the week leading up to it, i was fine – totally sleeping in, chatting on the phone, going on a bad date (ugh… he actually said “that’s why you’ll marry a white man” – sir, how much can your life fail??? but that’s for another time), catching up on my cooking shows (helllooooo hell’s kitchen and master chef)! my mom called me on christmas eve asking how i was handling it. i was mademoiselle nonchalant: oh well, nothing i can do to change it, might as well have a good attitude. she was all, okay, no prob, just wondering. yeah, i didn’t care.

christmas day was…interesting. i spent it with AM and her family (and i am eternally grateful for the invitation and the love). i enjoyed my time with them, but it felt like an out-of-body experience – it just didn’t feel like the real me.

boxing day is when it hit me. i was sitting in church and they were singing and i began to cry. calm tears, rolling down my face. i wiped a few away, smiled, tried to hold it together. at the end of the sermon, a sermon about exhibiting God’s love, pastor dave asked us to stand and then for anyone who felt like they needed an expression of God’s love to raise their hands. i.broke.down. raised my hand and heart wrenching sobs poured from me. i felt myself grabbed in a hug, and just couldn’t stop sobbing. those poor people must’ve thought i had all kinds of wrong happening in my life. i was just so lonely and overwhelmed – i missed my church, my family, my friends. i missed my love.

that’s stayed with me all week, that feeling of missing.

i didn’t want to end the year this way. i didn’t want to end it in tears and a slight feeling of sorrow. i didn’t want to greet 2011 sitting on my bed, cradling ice cream, and crying. i didn’t want to. but i think  that’s what’s going to happen.

what i choose to believe is that the way i greet this new year will not be indicative of the year itself.  i trust, i know, i pray, that it will be a year where i grow closer to God, where i experience Jesus more than i ever have.

this year, a year i will begin away from home, will be the year where i find my true home.

 

let’s just get this over with because…i really hate this conversation December 15, 2010

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 2:59 pm

I am so tired of having this conversation.  There is just too much that goes into it.

The whens – when do I have it?  how early?  How late?  When you’re softened up, when I’m sure I like you, before I start to like you? When I’m sure you like me?  When you’ve expressed desire?  When.

The wheres – face to face?  Over the phone?  In public?  A restaurant?  Starbucks?  On a walk?  At your place or mine?

The hows – point blank, just saying it?  posing a hypo and seeing your reaction? Out of the blue or when the subject comes up?

And your reaction – well, that’s the why.  I’m most pained, stressed, whatever, thinking about your reaction?  Will you be cool with it?  happy?  amused?  Petrified?  Disdainful?  I know that the reaction will tell me more about your character than anything else.  How you handle it – will you (gracefully) tell me we can’t see each other anymore?  Will you tell me it’s cool, let’s change that now?  Have questions?  Get a drink?

I hope you get happy/excited and move forward so I don’t have to do this all over again with someone else.  Because I really hate this conversation.

 

soothing {new quality} December 14, 2010

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 11:15 am

i’ve never felt this comfortable with someone. i know that’s not saying much (clearly, my lack of experience is well known round these parts), but when i’m with GCM i can just sit and be. i can sit quietly, and not be entertaining or say something witty. i don’t need to keep a conversation going, i can just snuggle in and be there. GCM just…soothes me.

Soothing. A term i’d previously identified with grandparents and babies and boredom. Who wants soothing? Give me life, excitement, adventure – not soothing.

OMG. I didn’t know soothing could be so wonderful. To have someone where you come in, cuddle up on the couch, and can just be after a day of life, excitement, and adventure? Bliss.

i didn’t know how much i wanted this until i experienced it. it’s one of the things i’ve never really had. i can count on one hand the people i can just be silent with. everyone else, i feel, rightly or wrongly, that i have to keep up the banter, the brilliance that is chocolate. i’d grown so accustomed to it that i didn’t realize that soothing was necessary for me. but it is. oh, it is.

so, yes. soothing is definitely at the top of the infamous list. pour me a glass of wine, give me some chocolate, and put your arm around me. *swoons*

 

okay. back to studying.

 

love came down {worship} December 12, 2010

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 4:54 pm

love came down and rescued me

love came down and set me free

mountain high or valley low

i sing out, remind my soul:

i am Yours.

i am forever Yours.

forgiven. restored. covered. purposeful. all because of Your love.

 

love came down, brian johnson