Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

Twice October 29, 2014

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 2:04 pm

this has been my favorite poem since i was 10 or 11. i’ve loved it before i knew what love was. as a caveat: i’m not huge on ‘poetry’ but i do know that i love this. and, although i haven’t written anything here in months, i felt compelled to post this.

I took my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love),
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die,
But this once hear me speak-
(O my love, O my love)-
Yet a woman’s words are weak;
You should speak, not I.

You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scanned,
Then set it down,
And said: It is still unripe,
Better wait a while;
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Till the corn grows brown

As you set it down it broke-
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgment that I heard:
But I have not often smiled
Since then, nor questioned since,
Nor cared for corn-flowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird.

I take my heart in my hand,
O my God, O my God,
My broken heart in my hand:
Thou hast seen, judge Thou
My hope was written on sand,
O my God, O my God:
Now let Thy judgment stand-
Yea, judge me now

This contemned of a man,
This marred one heedless day,
This heart take Thou to scan
Both within and without:
Refine with fire its gold,
Purge Thou its dross away-
Yea, hold it in Thy hold,
Whence none can pluck it out.

I take my heart in my hand-
I shall not die, but live-
Before Thy face I stand;
I, for Thou callest such:
All that I have I bring,
All that I am I give,
Smile Thou and I shall sing,
But shall not question much.

~ Twice, Christina Rosetti

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feeling May 19, 2014

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 11:48 pm

it’s so new to me, this feeling. this being cared for, wanted, adored feeling. this glance around and catch him looking feeling. this comfortable but edgy feeling.

how do people get used to this? how does this settle into the everyday mundane i don’t want you around anymore feeling?

feelings.

each person i’ve (personally) told has been so excited for me. their feelings seem to range from a small measure of shock to exhilaration to joy to protectiveness. they have the omg she finally found someone who wants her of course feeling. some share the is he good enough i just want you happy feeling. most say they get an i’m so cared for and loved and i’ve never felt this way feeling from me, eliciting an i’m just glad that you’re feeling like this you deserve it feeling.

feelings.

i ask why he loves me and he says it’s a you just feel right feeling. a you’re smart so smart it’s amazingly sexy feeling. a you’re pretty and supportive feeling. this strong man seems to shiver when i hold him responding in an almost how did i get here feeling.

feelings.

i’m really having an i’m so overwhelmed what do i do now feeling. an i’ve never felt so cherished, so wanted, so desired feeling. i feel swamped regularly by a let me just take care of you and show you how much i care feeling. a not quite maternal but so incredibly loving feeling. that i’m beautiful and sexy and amazing just the way i am feeling. a never let this change please God let this always be so good and right and joyous even when we’re arguing feeling. i have that with you i’ve finally come home feeling.

i have all the feelings.

 

coals of fire April 10, 2014

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 11:50 pm

i’ve been thinking through and processing the commands to forgive 70 X 7, and love one another as Christ loved the church. I’m well settled in the notion that others will only know what we believe, and even come to any type of belief in it themselves, based on how we love.

all thoughts and commands that are great in the abstract, but so much harder to implement when life gets going.

so hard, when faced with lies and betrayal from those you consider friends.

so hard, when the safety nets are stripped away.

so hard, when each day is another wave of petty slowly eroding the rock of kindness attempting to be shown.

so hard, when all of it is bookended by “hi friend!” and “praying” or “be blessed.”

so. hard.

it’s all so hard, and it’s making me so tired. taking away my sanctuary, my place of peace. forcing me to consider previously inconceivable options, to take measures foreign to the 20 or 25 year old me. all for the sake of being able to exhale without worry.

all i want to do is scream and shout and curse and take revenge. all i want to do is vent and be angry to everyone and proclaim “LOOK HOW I AM TREATED AND THE INJUSTICE AND THE PAIN!” but instead, i hear the still, small voice saying, “be kind, and in so doing heap coals of fire upon their heads.”

coals of fire. i want to rain down indignation.

when others who love me and hear in my voice the weariness, the pain, the disappointment, and become irate for me, doing my yelling and screaming in my stead, i’m forced, by that same small voice, to pronounce grace and mercy instead of joining the anger.

where is the line? when does the act of walking away, of ignoring, of simply refusing to be in the same (toxic) space become in itself an act of grace, and not a declaration of bitterness and unforgiveness? when is not a reflection on my faith, my witness, the change He has made in me?

i need to know, because i may be there. 111 days.

 

Extrovert Problems March 14, 2014

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 3:27 pm

It’s so different moving to a new city as an adult and not as a student. Students have built in communities available: you meet people in classes, clubs, around campus, etc. Move as an adult and you know only those from your job and/or the grocery store. It’s a lot harder to build community in a new place as an adult. Add to that the “no new friends” syndrome, (read: as an adult I really hate making new friends. My crew is solid and fly, I don’t want to mess with the balance of my life. Also, new friends are stressful and take work.), and you’re chilling at home all the time. Fine for the introvert, not so much for an extrovert like myself.

I never really thought of myself as an extrovert. I mean, I always knew I wasn’t truly an introvert – I enjoy being around people and making small talk too much. But I thought I was a classic only child (well, at least for the first 12 years of my life – sorry, Little) and great at entertaining myself. I’ve always said that I love being alone, coming home and sitting on the couch alone. And while all of that is true, I’ve come to the understanding that I’m like that when I have the option of having people around. I needed my space because I was spending so much time with other people. This is the first time in my life where I haven’t been busy, or able to make myself busy. Even when I was at home, not really working or doing much, I could find a way to make myself busy – volunteering at church, with community orgs, harassing my friends. Now, there’s no MG to run over and bug. No SW to shadow. 

I moved to Las Vegas only knowing 1 person there – my housemate. Granted, she’s a friend from law school and someone with whom I enjoy spending my time…but she’s still just one person. I didn’t think it would be an issue, because I can entertain myself. All true – but I’m bored. I want people. I want to talk to someone and spend time with another person. And my housemate, while amazing, doesn’t have the same personality. So, I’m left sitting and twiddling my thumbs. Yes, in the two months that I’ve been here, I’ve met other people, the vast majority  for professional purposes. There are a couple people I call and harass, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome.  

I realize how much I took my community for granted. 

(and yes, i realize this definitely a “first world problem.”)

 

Proverbs 13:12 March 5, 2014

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 6:30 pm

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I’ve written before about how much I love love. That part of my love for the Obamas is how much they seem to love each other. The way President Obama looks at his wife is just…sigh. And the way she smiles at him? Wonderful. Just, wonderful.

I love it.

And it’s made me look for that in the couples around me. To see a man look at his wife like he adores her. Like she’s everything to him. Like he knows that in her own right, she’s amazing and he’s just enjoying being around for the ride. The security that type of love, adoration, appreciation breeds. To look for that look, that smile in any potential relationship. For all my security and healthy self esteem, I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to have a man look at me like that. I would look at these pictures and wonder.

I look at these pictures and dream.

when hope is crushed, the heart is crushed, but a wish come true fills you with joy.

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