Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

It’s not going to be a white Christmas after all December 13, 2011

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 9:43 am

and the decision has been made: i’m not going back to T.O. for Christmas.

womp. sigh. i doubt this will be as difficult as last year’s Christmas in the ‘Bu. but it’ll still be hard. mainly because i know that i brought this on myself, through poor financial planning.

i think i take money for granted. not in a, “it’ll always be there when i want it” way, but in a “i’m not in debt so i can play,” way. i’m not in debt. i’m fortunate enough that i’m coming out of law school with minimal school loans. i don’t have credit card debt. i don’t have undergrad debt. my bills are paid on time. i eat. not always what i want, but i eat. it’s definitely not easy (i have cried many a night over finances, and seen God show up radically many, many times), but it’s been there. i think i forgot that money should also be planned.

so. not going back to my family and friends is my hard lesson. and this is my goal, my main goal, for 28: financial planning. not necessarily responsibility, but planning. not just budgeting for the now, but for the future maybes.

in the meantime, i’m going to make this a great Christmas. I’m going to enjoy helping my friends prepare for their new baby. I’m going to find great churches to visit, and an actual church for NYE service. I’m going to get my life together. Rent movies. Read books. Talk to Jesus. Look for a job. Talk to Jesus some more. Generally, make not only the best, but God’s best from this situation, and ring in 2012 in a fabulous way.

and who said Christmas needs snow, anyway? (i really like snow though)

 

Christmas in the City? December 10, 2011

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 8:18 pm

i still haven’t booked a flight to Toronto for Christmas. it’s December 10. I’m supposed to be there on the 20th.

this is messing with my mind. i say that it’s because i don’t have the funds right now…which is perfectly true. but my pop psychology mind is also wondering if it’s because i don’t really want to go back to Toronto.

i mean, i do want to go for the holiday, but… i wonder sometimes: if i’d wanted to go, wouldn’t i have booked it already? wouldn’t i have found the funds somewhere? what does the fact that i’m seriously considering NOT going home (and i guess returning the money my daddy sent to help me pay to go home)?

what does it mean for my decision about where i’ll live once i finish law school?

in the meantime, let’s hope that ticket prices stay low until friday when i can afford to buy the ticket home.

 

repentance and pain December 7, 2011

Filed under: 100% Cocoa — beautynobility @ 11:19 pm

it all started because I didn’t trust You.

didn’t? don’t? won’t? i don’t know. i know nothing except that I didn’t trust You enough.

I didn’t trust that You have a great plan for me. Well, not in every area. Sure, You have a plan for my career. You have a plan for my life. You have a plan for me to touch the earth, be called for such a time as this, blah blah Esther blah Deborah blah blah.  Yeah. That plan. That I could believe.

But the other plan. The plan that I could be loved. Wanted. Desired. I didn’t really trust that.

And then all the engagements started popping up. Everyone was dating. Committed. Engaged. Married. Everyone but me. OR so it felt. I know, of course I know, that’s not true. All I have to do is look at my closest circle. Of the fourteen women I call close friends,* only four, maybe five, are married/engaged/in a seriously close relationship. I mean, the type of relationship where I should save for a dress/present. But still. Reality aside, I felt alone. I felt like I was standing alone. I felt like everyone else had faith for it. When I said anything remotely negative, the girls all believed. I felt ashamed to really say that I didn’t believe.

Didn’t? Don’t. Felt? Feel.

And I knew, logically, that I could only take matters so far into my own hands. I’d tried before to toss it to the wind and devil, and I truly believe angels stopped me. I surely didn’t take any of the 5million ways of escape offered that day. But, despite it all, I was stopped. Pulled back. When I was ready to turn against everything I stood for, preached for, encouraged others about, those angels made sure that I didn’t so much as hit my foot against the stones I set in my own way. Because at one point, in this very area, I said, “The Lord is my Refuge; the Most High is my dwelling place,” He put angels in charge of guarding me in all my ways – even when I wouldn’t guard myself. So I knew, if I actually tried to do this again, He would stop me. I don’t know why, but I know He would. I committed myself to making sure He didn’t have to, not ever again.

But after this week, these past few weeks, I pulled back. Something shifted inside, and I couldn’t see it anymore. I couldn’t see the faith, the purity, that had been my clarion call. I couldn’t hold onto it at the moments that mattered. So I deliberately didn’t answer my phone. I deliberately didn’t reply to texts. I let the voicemails build. I let the pain explode.

I was so tired. Tired of trying. Tired of believing. Tired of performing, being. I just wanted to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.

I walked out to my car, sat down, and cried. No, the tears didn’t roll down my face, but I felt the silence build up inside. When I returned home and crawled into bed, I knew that it was over.

The act, in itself, meant nothing to God. It’s what I believed…or didn’t. Don’t. It’s what I trusted. Who I trusted.

Today, I don’t know. I can’t hold out alone. I can’t do it in my own strength. I become Paul: that which I would not do, I do, and that which I would do, I do not. Oh what a wretched woman I am.

I feel tired of asking for forgiveness. Shouldn’t I know this by now? Be past this by now? Can I, I who know so well that we don’t sin that grace may abound, ask for that very grace? Can I, I who know so well that she who knows good and does it not commits sin, ask to be washed? I know the Cross is that powerful, that the grave is that defeated, but can I, I who in my very actions nullify the Cross, ask for the power to be resurrected in my own life?

I’ve been a Christian for 20 years. I’ve never really backslidden. Never really walked away. Can I, I to whom so many look, really be contemplating this now? I know the power of the Cross, but can the church accept the pain that brings me to it.

It comes to this: do I believe He loves me enough – not just to die for me, but to make me live again. Enough to make me live in Him.

 

easy as sunday morning

Filed under: white chocolate — beautynobility @ 10:36 pm

i’ve always said i’m not a picky eater. if you asked me, i’d eat anything. and then you offer me something with mayonnaise. or cheese. or zucchini. or sour cream. or…

yeah, apparently i AM a picky eater (though i prefer the term, discerning eater. i mean really, who actually WANTS to put mayonnaise in their body? eww).

this started me thinking: am i as easy to please in other areas as i think i am?

i always say i don’t need much. i’ve never been a fancy date, must have latest fashions, type. i’m more a ride the santa monica ferris wheel*, wear classic fashions and always a heel, type. i just want to hang out. do hoodrat things with my friends. (ha! not really, i just like saying that). but you know, i’m easy as sunday morning. ask my folk, i’m the one they KNOW will make some man happy because i’m a cheap date. get me some churros from jack in the box and a soy white hot chocolate, extra whip from starbucks, and maybe a cookies and cream hershey’s chocolate bar? sheeeeeeeeeeeeeit, that might be a marriage proposal in my made up world.

but as my brother likes to point out: “cha, you want much, much more than that.” and i guess i do. from my friends, my eventual husband, and most definitely myself.

in the meantime, i’ll be quite content with a west wing boxed set (all seasons please!), a decent chardonnay, and caramel milk chocolate godiva squares.

*this is my dream SoCal date: the santa monica ferris wheel, a walk on the pier, and churros? or, Jesus take the wheel, a tasty cheesecake?!? i’ve wanted nothing else since i saw that ferris wheel and pier for the first time. *repeats: He knows the desires of my heart* (please take notes and act accordingly. HA!)