Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

why weight? May 13, 2011

Filed under: 100% Cocoa — beautynobility @ 11:47 am

i’ve struggled with my weight for the majority of my life.

okay. that intro line sounds like a lifetime movie. i should have said: i’ve been dissatisfied with my weight for most of my life. i’ve been the same size (10/12 – womens) and the same weight since i was 13. yes. 13. Now, size 10/12 on a 13yo sounds a lot worse than it was for me – i’ve also been the same height (5’10ish) since i was 13. So yeah…better. but, still, the fact remains that at 13 i basically looked the same as i did when i graduated from Spelman. Since Spelman I put on maybe 5-9 lbs.

so i went on this healthy kick 3 years ago. i was still working and i got a trainer and nutritionist. i was all “i’m doing this because diabetes runs in my family, not because i want to lose weight.” to which, my friends and family alike gave a prompt o__O.

those first 2 years were, in a word, disappointing. sure, i got “healthy.” i cut back on the rice and peas, built up my love for vegetables. stopped starving then bingeing on chocolate. controlled, to a small extent, emotional eating. but, ummm…my body didn’t show it. i lost about 5 lbs then stayed there. my arms and shoulder toned but everything else looked basically the same. colour me unimpressed.

then i started law school. in malibu. land of the barbie. where everyone was blonde and perky and (in my eyes) thin – or at least thinner than i. welp. there it went. i got into the whole exercising and eating routine in a big way. work out at least 1/day for at least an hour at least 4 days/week. a carb?!?! gasp. shock. horror.

…and no results. i ended 1L the same size looking the exact same i did coming in.

then 2L. at this point i gave up on my body ever changing. “i’m just trying to be healthy,” i proclaimed to friends, old and new. “my body doesn’t lose weight, i’ll probably always be a 10/12.” “as long as i’m not gaining weight.” whatevs.

something kicked in this year, though. one day (okay, January 12, 2011)  i weighed in, as per usual, and … and… the balance had to be moved. (old fashioned scale where you balance the weights. get on my level. or, to be more accurate, my law school gym’s level.) what? i was kerflummoxed. i moved the balance. moved it again. again. stared at the number. got off the scale. got back on. looked for cameras to see if i was being punked. nope. i had finally hit my goal weight. FINALLY. i rang in 27 the smallest i’d been since i was 13 years old. i could have worn my goal dress.

…but i didn’t feel any better about myself…

i went shopping with girlfriends in february. they were looking dresses for the law school dinner,  i was determined not to buy anything. they are your run of the mill gorgeous size 2-4. i decided not to even try anything on. until i saw this beautiful red dress. be.au.ti.ful. “try it on! that’s your shade!” but the tag read size 8. ummm yeah i wasn’t going to embarrass myself in front of the barbies trying on a dress 2 sizes too small. but it was the only one they had. what the hell, why not, right? so i go into the back room try on the dress. it fits. it zips. it isn’t too tight. i don’t need to suck in my stomach. oh. my. God. no, really, not taking His name in vain, i started praying in that fitting room: “God, please don’t let this be a joke. this is not a good time for you and Michael and Gabriel to be laughing at me. please just let this really be an 8 and really fit. please.” i took it off and put it back on. it fit. i had a break down in the fitting room. i just started to cry. for the first time since i was 13 yo, i was in a size 8. i eventually bought another, cheaper, beautiful dress in a size 8.

…and i didn’t feel any better about myself…

i went home for spring break. my first time home since august. the day before i flew home i sent this email to my mom: “mommy, just say i look like i lost weight, even if i didn’t okay?” no reply. so i’m home. everyone, EVERYONE is all: what have you been doing? why did you lose so much weight? (my dad: “do you have a boyfriend??!” ummm this is not the apocalypse daddy, i won’t lose weight AND get a boyfriend. the universe couldn’t handle that.) during that week i went shopping with my mom for new jeans. picked up the 12 (i’m stubborn. i don’t believe dresses and jeans are the same size and i thought it was a fluke). didn’t fit. picked up the 10. didn’t fit. saleslady: ma’am you’re an 8. tried it on. size 8. break down commenced. i was wearing a size 8 jean…for the first time since i was 13 yo.

…and i didn’t feel any better about myself…

since i returned to school, life has been crazy. i haven’t worked out as regularly as i wanted. i’ve been living on spinach, frozen mixed vegetables, chicken wings, sweet potatoe fries, and mini churros. not exactly a balanced diet. i’ve started having nightmares: i’ve put back on all the weight i lost, plus 10 lbs. i’ve heard voices: you’re going to be fat again. you need to stop eating. exercise more. STOP EATING! i’m terrified to throw out my old jeans, because what if i need them? what if i buy the smaller size and one day (very soon) they’re too small?

i’ve been forced to face the truth: size 6, 8, or 12. flat or slightly curved stomach. 160lb or 175lb. it doesn’t matter; i’ve never been truly satisfied with myself. with my weight. i’ve fussed over my hair/makeup because my body wouldn’t do what i wanted. i’ve compensated with being smart or spiritual.

i need to stop. stop the voices. the incessant need to be smaller…smaller…smaller. i can’t say i know how to answer the question of why my weight is my issue. please don’t say it’s as easy as just believing “i am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (psalm 139 – aka the typical Christian response for any woman’s self image issue). i know. i know. i know.  this is just my struggle. to see beauty, no matter the jean size.

i’m going back to the gym. i’ll figure this out on the stairmaster.

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time in court May 12, 2011

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 2:30 pm

i worked at the district attorney’s office this past semester as a student law clerk. though i don’t know that i want to be a d.a. [meaning: i want to be a public defender and make sure my precious children have their nebulous rights protected], i learned more from that experience than i have in the classroom at law school. i was reminded why i chose this career path; or to put it more accurately, why God destined me to be here. i wrote this, raw and unedited towards the end of my time at the da’s office after a particularly hard day spent in court, a time where all i felt was, well…

i sit in court and the parade (parade!) of black men in government issued clothing and handcuffs breaks my heart.  i review their files, hear their birthdays, and realize: this is my generation. these men, all within plus or minus 5 years of my age, could easily be my friends, boyfriends, peers, colleagues…husband.

these men, who will now spend anywhere from months to years in a cell. these men. these men, the warriors of my generation. these men are chained together, and all i can do is watch, helpless, for it doesn’t really matter now if it was their choice, their actions, their poor choices. watch as fathers are kept from their children, brothers from their sisters, sons from mothers.

helpless, regardless of which side of the table – or bench – i sit. helpless and wondering.

why this form of slavery? why this degradation? why this brokenness? why this people? my people?

my heart break, my soul bleeds, and i can only cry silent tears and write meaningless words.

 

Forgive me Chocolatiers, I have sinned… May 11, 2011

Filed under: white chocolate — beautynobility @ 10:18 am

…it has been 4 months and 11 days since my last real post. (Well, yes, i posted this but it was more of a “releasing a private post that i decided didn’t feel so private about” post, not a “sitting down and writing” post).

I’ve been a little busy: 2nd semester 2L. 4 jobs (yes. 4. no, don’t send INS after me, all registered, approved and within the appropriate time frame). 3 competitions. Bible studies. Worship teams. A trip home. Friends. Dates.

Time…life just got away from me and I woke up and 4 months had gone by without a post. mea culpa.

So, i decided to do a rare “my life in pictures” post to catch y’all up. Ready? Great.

In February, one of my besties came to visit. We go all the way back. Like, she has a memory of my mom pregnant with me back.

I’m on two competition teams at the school. The Moot court team (which is appellate level arguing) and the Trial team (which is putting on a full trial). Both teams did really well. My team advanced to quarter finals in my moot competition (yay!). And my trial team won the Regional competition and advanced to Nationals in Vegas! Aren’t we a gorgeous set of future lawyers?!?

I was so blessed to go to the Law School dinner. Is it sad that I was equally excited to be wearing a fly dress in a *drumroll* size 8?? (blog to come re: my weight issues).

I had an amazing and blessed year, being honored to serve as President of our BLSA chapter here. This board made it worthwhile! I’m looking forward to serving on the regional board next year!

I was so priviledged to meet a wonderful woman with a fabulous ministry in purity and restoration of holiness to women. check out plain jane project. you’ll be glad!

And I spent a LOT of time this semester with my friend CLW! She has been a blessing…she reminds me to eat and takes me out to have fun. Her birthday extravaganza was wonderfulous. (i make up words. deal.)

so umm, that’s about it. or at least, all that i have pics for. real blogging coming soon. (even sooner than you think).

smooches!