Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

more than a fashion choice August 25, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 8:47 pm

I recently started choosing themes for my wardrobe for seasons. Something to guide my shopping and help me look at my closet/options in a different way. I’ve recently realized that those themes also started to guide how i viewed things outside of my closet.

For example, last fall/winter, i geared myself around Comfortable Elegance. Pearls, cardigans, high waisted dresses. Basically, I wanted any snapshot of me for the fall/winter to be one where people would think “wow, she’s together.” And looking back, I can see how that shaped everything else. My leadership experiences, the tons of traveling, the work I did at school – all of it was shaped around being simultaneously elegant and comfortable in my own skin.

This spring/summer, my theme was Cupcakes and Champagne. I know, a little amorphous – but basically i was going for a sense of lightness and that bubbly happy feeling you have after eating a cupcake or drinking champagne. I was all blushes, roses, lavenders, and gold. gold and pink jewellery ABOUNDED in my life. And i can see now how during that time, it was exactly what i needed. graduation, studying for the bar, moving back home – i needed to have an attitude that sought out the light and lovely and happy in my circumstances.

So, what now? I’m coming to fall/winter, and have been thinking about what I not only want my wardrobe but also my life to reflect. Right now? I definitely need some sparkle and colour in my life. I’m thinking I’m going to go with “Dazzle and Shine” for my fall/winter theme. every outfit will have a dash of sparkle, or a dram of shine. I’m thinking, some piece of bright color, or shimmer. A pick me up to an otherwise dull and scary existence. and like my outfits, I’m going to be looking for what adds a dazzle or shimmer to each of my days. How is God dazzling me? What brings the shimmer out in me? This fall/winter, I will seek to add colour to someone else’s existence, dazzle someone with a smile, and leave behind a shine.

 

musings. thoughts. ramblings. August 12, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 11:29 pm

it’s like God keeps telling me, “Cha, you’re awesome. you will do something. I will use you. Sleep. eat. breathe.”

and i keep going, “no. wrong. fail. me?!? ha!!!!” and then finding various sins in which i can engage just to prove Him wrong.

except that doesn’t work. because He keeps coming, and i keep running. but i know i can’t run.

so why do i try? why do any of us try?

and more scarily… what if He just stopped? If one day He said, “fine. you want to wallow in mediocrity and sin instead of leaving an impact? go ahead.” that. is. terrifying.

more terrifying than being used? more terrifying than stretching outside the comfort zone?

i’m equally terrified of being used and of Him looking at me and being disappointed. of Him looking at me and saying, “I wanted so much more for you – and you wouldn’t even move. you wanted to nap. instead of going to the kingdoms and princes, you watched big brother and read books. I had plans – i was roaming the earth looking for one to stand in the gap – and you were napping. I never knew you.

i don’t know about the theology of any of this. i know His love never fails. I know that His gifts and callings are without repentance. I look at the people used in the Bible, and wonder. did moses get past it? what was joshua’s struggle? how was caleb so sure that he could take that mountain at, like, 90? seriously esther – if i perish, i perish? deborah…did you wonder about going into battle with barak? how did the disciples get past the fear? the heartrending fear?

i know… faith and fear can’t co-exist. naps and action don’t go hand in hand. and apathy keeps me – all of us – unused.

for today, though, i just want to nap. and tune out the Voice telling me, “I’ve called you to more.”

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just musings. fears. wonderings that have time to creep up, since for the first time in what feels like forever, i’m not working. i don’t have ten thousand projects to claim my attention. i can’t help feeling like this time of quiet is so that i face all of this.

is this arrogant? like, really, it feels arrogant to believe that God has called me to something. me. who am i? nothing special. just… a woman (girl?) who went to school, played with kids, went back to school, and worked too hard. me? how dare i compare myself to those great ones that He used throughout history.

but what if that’s the point of this? all of this time, and quiet, and wondering, and musing. so i stop seeing myself as the woman who doesn’t date, and just works really really really hard to earn the love of those around her, and hopes God is pleased. so i look at myself and see who He sees – a vessel in which His Spirit dwells, who – even if i died right now – would have fulfilled my purpose of touching someone, reaching someone.

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i need to be discipled. i need an older, a wiser, a spiritually mature woman, to be brutally honest and disciple me. i can’t shake that feeling, that now, more than any time in my life, i need to be purposefully and intentionally discipled. i mean, i’ve had people before. women i talked to, went to for advice or guidance at times. but it keeps resonating inside me – i need to be intentionally and significantly discipled. now.

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but it’s so much easier to nap.