Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

stay in your lane – or not October 30, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 8:48 pm

today, my friends forced me out of my lane, into another car, and said “turn the key!”

i said i was scared. i said i didn’t care. i said i didn’t want to. they said, ‘eff your comfort zone. do. it. now.’

even the friend who i thought would tell me that Jesus would say no, told me to have fun and live a little.

so i did. peer pressure ftw*.

“doesn’t that feel good?!?” they inquired.

no. no it does not. it feels like exactly why i am comfortable in my lane and refuse(d) to move: i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how this lane curves or how to navigate the bumps in the road. there’s a reason why people say ‘stay in your lane.’

i’m good at my lane. i may fail at this one. the perfectionist in me cries out. she orders me to stop! retract! cancel email, stop now! stay where you know you can succeed.

but if i do that, am i really living? if i refuse to take the chance because i might fail, will i ever experience the great joys of life? if i never leave the one lane that’s proven, how will i know what else i can do? and what’s failure but instruction for a new direction?

i could have failed at Spelman. could have bombed at any point (and every point) in law school. i’m pretty sure i’m near failing in my career. and yet, i’ll take chances with those.

for the Christian in me: that boat is easy to step out of, that water is familiar to me if i choose to walk on it.

but this? this new lane – hell, new track? it feels like putting a baby who just held a tonka truck on a nascar track into the driver’s seat of dale earnheardt jr.’s car.

i’m gripping the wheel with both hands, and squinting out of one eye. this new lane is exhilarating, terrifying, and so full of faith.

but if i fail, if my car crashes – i’m blaming my friends.

 

 

*thx CLW, MH, MSJ, TG for pushing and prodding me on the whys. as much as i bucked it, i needed it. :-*
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Lessons from Vacation October 29, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 7:51 pm

Sleep.
——
I’m learning not to let my responses be dictated by the responses of others. I can only be the authentic me and not play games.
—–
Self esteem can’t depend on where I am or who I’m with. It has to be based on me. Who I am.
—–
Makeup isn’t a cure all. My pics with and without are the same person.
Similarly, my body is my body. Bikini for the first time, ever. Body dress for the first time in a long time.
——
I need to have friends, relationships that let me be myself – my full self. The self that likes to dance, enjoy morning glory, and pray. Hard.
——
Vacation – time to just sit. Rest. Away from phones and emails and Facebook and twitter and … Everything is necessary. Time to be. Reconnect with yourself, a few close friends. Eat. Sleep. Dance. Soak up sun. Sightsee, if you want. Recharge. So necessary to make every other day bearable.
——-
That whole “friends who let you be all aspects of you” goes quadruple for relationships. Mentioned above, but worth it again. I need to be comfortable. Loved. Not judged. Prayed for, prayed with.
——-
Feeling beautiful, desired, sexy is awesome. How. Do. I. Bottle. That? And have some every day? It wasn’t dependent on a man or my clothes. It was just there.

The attention from the man(en) was worth it. I forgot how good it feels, living in the land without hollas.
——
Flirting is fun.
Intelligent men are hot.
Intelligent men who use that intelligence to intrigue while flirting >>>>>
—–
Sleep. Is. Good.

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nightmares eyes open October 26, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 7:32 am

five nights ago, i had a dream (nightmare, really) that my father was raping me, and my family was in the house and couldn’t help me.

four nights ago, i had a dream (nightmare, really) that every email and text i opened said, “we regret to inform you that you are no longer welcome here” – from my friends.

three nights ago, i had a dream (nightmare, really) that i failed the bar and was told that i am no longer welcome at my church because of my failure.

two nights ago, i had a dream (nightmare, really) that i was pregnant with the baby of my rapist, who had blindfolded and beaten me – and was my best friend.

last night i had a dream (nightmare, really) that there were birds in my room squawking “you are worthless. you are ugly. you are stupid. you fail. no one wants to be around you.”

this morning, i laid in bed, breathing like i’d run a marathon, struggling to repeat the words in my head: you are fearfully and wonderfully made in God’s image. your worth is not found in anything or anyone but God.

it took me 15 minutes to get out of bed and into the shower. 25 minutes to make myself calm down. i drove into work, mad, trying not to cry, yelling at the air and traffic, unable to understand how i would make it through the day. i sent emails/texts to the three ppl i could trust most to ask no questions and just pray for me.

and now i’m going to make it through this day. i will make it through the day.

 

so unlovable [heart outpour] October 2, 2012

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 7:28 am

in every prayer, every conversation, every scripture, sermon, song – i’ve been hearing about loving the unlovable. even where the person didn’t mention it directly, didn’t bring it up pointedly, i hear God saying: do you love me? love him.

love him. that one that seems so unlovable.

not just the person that’s annoying. or who talks to you crazy. or cut you off on the highway. [our fave examples]

not just the homeless, or ‘at-risk youth,’ or orphan or widow. [our typical Christian examples]

the person right beside you. the one that you should love most, who used their position of privilege in your life to hurt you in unmeasurable ways. the one who hurt not only you, but those closest and dearest to you. and who goes on hurting them. over and over. who builds you up to a place of hope, then tears you down and hurts you again.

that person, my dears, is unlovable. that person who makes you throw up your hands – not in worship – and give up. the one who makes you say, this is ridiculous. i’m over it. i’m never doing this. i can’t love this one.

that’s the person God is telling me to contact. reach out. pray for (and not the vindictive psalm prayers). love.

that’s the person God is convicting me with under 1 John 4:7-8 > beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God. and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. he who loves not, knows not God. for God is love.

prayer: teach me, God, how to love. how to love sacrificially and wisely. how to love in a way that reflects that i know You. how to love the unlovable one in my life. give me strength to love.