Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

more musings August 26, 2010

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 1:27 pm

So, seriously, be careful what you wish for. Like, for real, for real.

I asked God for a few things back in my ramblings. Just some stuff I thought would be fun, you know, to add spice to the dullness that is school.

OH MY BLESSED WORD!!!!! He decided not to play with me. It’s like He looked around and said, “sure why not? I’ll give you one..or two…or ten…” and then DID IT!

But now the quandary: do I really want what I thought I wanted? More than that: do I believe that God truly wants to satisfy my desires and give me what I want?

This is where the problem lies. I know that God is not some magic genie or grandpa just waiting to do everything I ask to make me happy. SO much so that I’ve become accustomed to not getting what I truly desire. Thus, when the option is presented to have it, I’m faced with disbelief that such a deeply personal desire could be answered and begin to wonder if I can (or should) have it.  I’m left questioning: do I deserve this? is it God? is it a temptation out of line? Is it…even mine? Did I make this up?

And this is why I can’t have random questions answered. I over analyze every living thing, in an attempt to know it all. Really, I should just enjoy the moment and then study.

Hmmm. If one thing has been revealed in this, it’s my esteem issues. Sigh. Another thing to pray about. Time to go study.

 

first day of school August 23, 2010

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 12:09 pm

Today is the first day of school. For the first time in my life, I’m not excited.

I remember when I was little, I would get SOOOOO excited. New clothes, new pencils, new friends, new teachers. The world seemed so open and fun. Then high school was even more awesome because the new clothes actually mattered. And don’t get me started on undergrad. I LOVED Spelman and the first day was super super super super (that’s one for every first day at the glorious Spelman College). I even looked forward to the first day last year because, hey, it was new, it was law school, it was exciting.

But now? Not excited. No flurries, no butterflies, no hint of anticipation. I didn’t put any thought into clothes. Washed my hair last night and am just floating around with it blowed straight. I barely want to be here. It doesn’t even feel like I’m starting something new and fun. I’m just…in school. Blah.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so grateful for this year and the myriad of opportunities and commitments I have. I’m just not excited. Meh.

Oh well. Happy First Day of School!

 

uncomfortable destiny August 5, 2010

Filed under: 100% Cocoa — beautynobility @ 11:17 am

The conference I’m attending is uncomfortable.  There are many reasons for this, some of which are political and social, but the most pressing is that it is calling me to things that are uncomfortable.  The speakers speak a lot of coming into conflict with the world for Christ, taking risks to show His glory, and living a life that calls others forward.

Honestly? I just want to chill. I want to lay back and enjoy the day with a good book and a glass of wine. I don’t want to be reminded of my early dreams and the things spoken over me about being like Esther and Deborah, a woman called to generations. I just want to nap – and they didn’t seem to nap a lot. But then I’m faced with the question: can I do that and be in His will?  Can I relax and impact the world as He desires?

So, being me, I tried to run. I decided (confession time) not to pay attention to the speakers because, you know, I could hear God when they were speaking.  Instead I went online and thought to see what was on Jenny Simmons’ blog.  Jenny is the lead singer of Addison Road, of such greats like What Do I Know of Holy and Hope Now (both featured in previous posts).  So I thought to amuse myself with some of Jenny’s stories of motherhood and travel.

In case you weren’t sure, you can’t run from God and what He says. See Jonah for exhibit A, and Cha for exhibit B.  I went to chill with Jenny and instead read this:

There is no significant gap for God to come and do a miracle when we have all the answers.  When we only serve God and others by doing the things that are easy, convenient, sterile and enjoyable…we cheat the world out of miracles.

and this:

I can say that the more I get to know Jesus the more He seems to point to a way of living that goes beyond just doing what is easy and convenient and semi-sacrificial on our part. He points to a more radical life that is more fulfilling for us and more healing for those who most need healing.*

Um yeah. Slap in the head much?

I need to mull the rest of this in my head, and consider how to respond to God’s call. Wait, that’s silly. I need to simply respond to God’s call with yes. sigh. I’m going to go read Esther and find the courage to say “if I perish, I perish.” Oh, and pay attention to the rest of the speakers.

*read the rest of Jenny’s blog here. Be prepared to be blessed, convicted, and challenged.