Soul Chocolate

giving chocolate to others is an intimate form of communication, a sharing of deep, dark secrets…

i can’t breathe without you – i need you. November 30, 2010

Filed under: 100% Cocoa — beautynobility @ 2:48 pm

“i can’t breathe without you. i won’t last without you. i need you. i need you. i’m so lost without you. i know that i would fail alone, i need you.”*

finals, stress. i have an exam on tues and the prof just wrote a supplement that apparently she pulls all her exam questions from but i can’t afford it so i’m just gonna have to study and pray. money is stressing me out for next semester and thinking about the summer and not going home for Christmas – for the first time in my life. ugh.
i just need to rest in and rely on God so much more right now – that’s been like, the message in my heart all morning. i woke up and within 5 minutes wanted to go back to sleep and start over. so, after class and before work i went for a walk, turned on the ipod to my worship shuffle, and was immediately reminded: in the chaos and confusion, i have none but Jesus. tears.

i came back and was chatting with MJ (really, begging for prayers) and she reassured me with the word: His burden is easy. His yoke is light.

i stopped. paused and thought. that, that’s what he’s been calling me to believe.  that where he gives the purpose, the burden is his and easy.

that’s what i’ve been resting in (or trying to): that he put me here, and he put me in this destiny, which he confirmed through prophecy just a couple weeks ago, so he’ll keep me and cover me.  as MJ reminded me, it’s beyond the “touchy feely” shout now type words and phrases.

no. it’s serious faith. because you have to believe, i have to believe, that it’s deeper than wealth and health and a 6’4 beautiful man who adores me and wants to marry me in a couple years, you know – all that. it’s about touching nations for generations and he’ll work through whatever to accomplish that goal and purpose – so these momentary afflictions are temporary when placed beside the glorious eternity we have with him.

this is my hope. this is my place. this is my destiny. and i’m lost without him.

*tye tribbet, i need you, from the album standout.

 

the call November 26, 2010

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 8:40 pm

i want to call him, just to say hey, kick it, and talk about the new music group i discovered while listening to the one he told me about. i want to talk about his affinity for art – photographs and guitar – and how much i miss singing and wonder if i’m any good at it.  i want to laugh about birthday plans and moan about the fact that LA is drawing me in and making me think i can stay here – but i wonder if staying here means i have to learn to like the lakers. i just want to call and talk and hang because i think he’s cool…and would be a cool friend.

you know the worst part of this whole dating thing? you meet this guy, who seems super cool, and for one reason or another, it doesn’t work. they don’t call, you don’t want them to call, whatever.  it just doesn’t work as a relationship – but why can’t that parlay into a friendship?

really. i wouldn’t go out with anyone i couldn’t see becoming an actual friend, so why must i lose out on these potential friendships because of stupid dating rules. “don’t call/text/email first. don’t suggest hanging out. don’t, don’t, don’t.” why can’t i just do. why can’t i just do me and enjoy me and make some friends along the way?

chocolatiers, can i call? does it seem thirsty? desperate? can i do what i would do with anyone else cool i’d met and wanted to hang out with – call and suggest it? sigh. this grown up dating thing is stressful…especially when i don’t know if i actually want to date the person i want to call.

 

#hotbodybday November 18, 2010

Filed under: white chocolate — beautynobility @ 10:59 pm

So, I have a goal. As per the hashtag mania that has overtaken the digital world (courtesy of Twitter), I have titled this goal #hotbodybday.  That’s right. It’s simple. I want a hot body for my birthday.

My birthday is JUST 55 days away, giving me a quantifiable end to this goal.  Now, this won’t really be a weight loss thing (i.e. lose 5-10 pounds), although that will be a great by product. This is mainly about entering my 27th year (!) with the body I want…for once.

And I’ve found the dress I want to wear while celebrating 27 years.  Form fitting, flattering rouching, simple black strapless, and soooooo saucy. Chocolatiers, meet my birthday dress.  How awesome will I look in this on my #hotbodybday?!?

And yes, it will be all the better if there is a special celebration and/or someone to appreciate the day and the dress, but please believe, I will sit in my bedroom watching West Wing marathons alone in this dress if I have to. But I will be wearing this dress, and I will be having my #hotbodybday.Hello 27!

yes, this is shallow, but as my grandpa would say, a so it go. i don’t have any deep spiritual, godly goals for my birthday (yet). i just want the body i want, in the dress i want with the date i want.

 

live your life right November 10, 2010

Filed under: milk chocolate — beautynobility @ 5:10 pm

ignore the rambling and musing. this is really a train of thought, stream of consciousness, thinking aloud type thing…

Someone came up to me the other day and said that they read this and relate to it. I was taken waaaayyyy aback. You read my blog? You relate to my random rantings and ravings? you care?

My visceral reaction: %&($# someone besides my 3 friends is paying attention to me; i better live my life right.

***********

That’s a statement I’ve made so many times to my little bits (that would be the cousins, baby sis, and streetleaders).  I’ve told them, over and over, about how connected the world is and that you never ever know who knows who. Live your life right, because when you least expect it, someone will know someone who will tell a story about you. Live your life right NOW so it doesn’t eff you up in the future.

*******

I thought about the people I admire, many of whom probably have no idea that I watch and admire them. I thought about the compliment I could give them – “you know, I really want to be you when I grow up” – and then asked why that’s a compliment.

*******

This past weekend I was at a forum, repping my school. I was shocked when a girl said she recognized me from the website. ME?? Truthfully, I forgot I was on the thing. I legit forgot about it – and now I was thinking “Oh, God, what now?”

No, she reassured me, she wanted to go to the school because she saw me.

*****

i wear 4 rings, 3 never come off, one on a chain when the mood strikes me. my rings have meaning.

one is my purity ring, purchased when i bought one for my little sister. I told her to aspire to be a woman like Ruth. A woman who was spoken of by all, and attracted her husband, because she was recognized to have great virtue and nobility.

one is my mother’s wedding ring. my parents divorced and i asked for the ring – for me, it is a reminder that at some point, they loved each other. it’s a reminder that i was brought into this world in love, and that, sadly enough, love can end if it goes unnurtured and supported. it is a reminder to love, deeply and with great forethought and commitment. to choose to love so no child of mine is left wearing my wedding ring.

the other two belonged to my grandma’s and great-grandmas.  both are very simple, really just a gold band. they passed it down, first to my mom then to me. it reminds me that i am a product of generations. i truly stand on the shoulders of giants.  i am not an island, even when i am alone.

i think sometimes about passing on these rings – will i have daughters? i think about the future – what will those generations following say about me?

********

admiration, while encouraging, while satisfying, comes with great pressure. live your life right.