i’ve been thinking through and processing the commands to forgive 70 X 7, and love one another as Christ loved the church. I’m well settled in the notion that others will only know what we believe, and even come to any type of belief in it themselves, based on how we love.
all thoughts and commands that are great in the abstract, but so much harder to implement when life gets going.
so hard, when faced with lies and betrayal from those you consider friends.
so hard, when the safety nets are stripped away.
so hard, when each day is another wave of petty slowly eroding the rock of kindness attempting to be shown.
so hard, when all of it is bookended by “hi friend!” and “praying” or “be blessed.”
it’s all so hard, and it’s making me so tired. taking away my sanctuary, my place of peace. forcing me to consider previously inconceivable options, to take measures foreign to the 20 or 25 year old me. all for the sake of being able to exhale without worry.
all i want to do is scream and shout and curse and take revenge. all i want to do is vent and be angry to everyone and proclaim “LOOK HOW I AM TREATED AND THE INJUSTICE AND THE PAIN!” but instead, i hear the still, small voice saying, “be kind, and in so doing heap coals of fire upon their heads.”
coals of fire. i want to rain down indignation.
when others who love me and hear in my voice the weariness, the pain, the disappointment, and become irate for me, doing my yelling and screaming in my stead, i’m forced, by that same small voice, to pronounce grace and mercy instead of joining the anger.
where is the line? when does the act of walking away, of ignoring, of simply refusing to be in the same (toxic) space become in itself an act of grace, and not a declaration of bitterness and unforgiveness? when is not a reflection on my faith, my witness, the change He has made in me?
i need to know, because i may be there. 111 days.